How to Handle Teen Parties when You don’t Know the Host

New year’s Eve Negotiations

With New Year’s Eve on the horizon, it’s possible your teen parties will also be on the horizon. What if your teen asks to go to a party and you don’t know the host or the host’s family? 

First of all, it’s totally up to you as to whether you want to say a flat out no or if you’re willing to consider your teen’s request. If it’s the latter, it’s absolutely reasonable to ask for the host’s first and last name, the host’s address, and contact information for the host’s parents.  Sometimes, just asking for this information will put the kibosh on your child’s request, because they either cannot provide this information, or the host won’t provide this information if the party is not a parent-sanctioned one.  

Tips for Keeping Your Teen Safe and lines of communication open

Assuming you get the above info from your child, review your expectations of what your child should do if there will be drinking, drug use, kids who are getting behind the wheel under the influence, or ANY hint of your child getting isolated or mistreated.

Here are some tips for those conversations:

• Give your child a code word or phrase they can text to you or say in a phone call. If they send that code, you’ll make some sort of immediate excuse for why they have to come home right now, and then go pick them up if they are not yet of driving age. This will allow your child to exit an unsafe situation, keep you on their team, and save face.
• If your child is on any sort of shaky ground socially going into this party, ask your teen who their allies will be at the party–who will have their back. This type of questioning helps your child anticipate tricky social situations they might not have otherwise considered in advance.  
• Also talk about your values when it comes to friendships, socializing, safety, and communication.  For example, you might say, “In our house, we value friends, and we want you to have the chance to make strong connections. AND we value honest communication, trust, and your safety. All of these things are at play when we talk with you about attending or not attending this event.” Kids and teens need to be reminded of their family’s values explicitly.  It’s how they ultimately start to internalize a value system that they will use for decision-making later in life. 

Help Your teen think through the possibilities before they Happen

Your teen needs to know what your boundaries are and lots of anticipatory guidance about how to conduct themselves in a variety of settings they could encounter–which you can offer under the guise being “anxious parents who need reassurance, so please bear with all of our questioning.”

Oh yeah…And be prepared for nothing to Happen

And finally, be prepared for the fact that the party may not happen at the last minute…or it may not happen for your child.  Sometimes kids say they’ll host or that they want to attend, but the plans go up in smoke because they are teenagers who aren’t always great at thinking things through ahead of time.

This post also appeared as an article on Annapolis Moms Media.