Parenting can be a real bear sometimes. When it comes to navigating rough patches, studies show that some parental responses are more effective than others. Experts have determined three different parenting approaches: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative, and have studied the effects each approach has on kids’ resilience and on the parent-child relationship.
What Goldilocks and the Three Bears Can Teach Us About Parenting
Do you remember the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Goldilocks sneaks into the Bear family’s empty tree house and tries out the family members’ chairs, takes a few bites of their porridge, and even takes a nap in their beds. During her trespassing adventure, Goldilocks finds that Papa Bear’s chair is too hard, his porridge too hot, and his bed too firm. On the other hand, Mama bear’s lumpy chair, cold porridge, and soft, saggy bed is also not pleasing to Goldilocks. Baby Bear, though—he hits the sweet spot with his inviting chair (which Goldilocks sits on and breaks), his perfectly warmed porridge (which Goldilocks gobbles up), and his pleasing mattress (on which Goldilocks falls asleep during the bears’ outing).
1. Papa bear parenting—too harsh: The Authoritarian Approach
Parents know where they stand and have very clear rules, which are sometimes enforced through fear. The child does what they are supposed to, but they may not feel like they can be fully authentic with their parent. Experts call this approach Authoritarian Parenting.
2. Mama bear parenting—too soft: THe Permissive Approach
Parents accommodate their child’s wants to keep the peace. They may behave more like friends than the guides and mentors parents are meant to be. This works in the moment, but long-term, the child doesn’t develop resilience or problem solving skills. Experts refer to this approach as Permissive Parenting.
3. the baby bear of parenting: JUUUUUST RIGHT! The Authoritative Approach
In this approach, parents maintain and enforce boundaries and rules based on their values as well as matters of safety. They explain to their children the reasons for their boundaries, and they involve their children in dialogue—and sometimes even negotiation around rule creation. They look for win-win solutions to problems, and their children know they can count on their parents to set guidelines and expectations AND to be a safe haven in times of distress. Experts refer to the Baby Bear approach as Authoritative Parenting.
Authoritative Parenting: Harder, but Worth It
When it comes to raising kids, it can feel easier in the moment to take a Mama or Papa bear approach. These extreme approaches have a way of making short term distress (at the parent level) go away faster. By laying down the law and enforcing strict, inflexible boundaries through threat or fear, a parent IS likely to get a child to modify her unpleasant behavior, potentially reducing the stress that said behavior was causing FOR THE PARENT. But that modification can come at the cost of the parent-child connection. On the other hand, when a parent relaxes rules, fails to consistently enforce boundaries, or behaves like a child’s friend, there may be fewer emotional explosions at home, but the child fails to develop the self-regulatory and problem-solving skills necessary for independence.
Authoritative parenting (aka the Baby Bear approach) can be hard. It requires mindfulness for the parent to regulate their own reactions. It’s time intensive, as the family engages in dialogue instead of decrees. And it can be messy, as everyone’s perspectives are taken into account to determine best steps in a certain circumstance. But the mess is worth it!
I Help Parents Learn How to Take an Authoritative Approach, Even When It Feels Difficult
At Teen Savvy Coaching, I help parents learn how to take an authoritative approach to parenting…the Baby Bear, JUUUSST RIGHT approach that helps parents and teens remain in a place of connection and calmness, even when they are wading through rough adolescent waters. And our work together is not just theoretical. I provide my clients with practical, easy-to-implement strategies to help you communicate more effectively and open the door for your child to do the same with you.
Here is what one past client had to say about just one session with me!
I had a great session with Sam. Free flowing conversation where she first sought to understand the situation, listened carefully and then formulated advice.
I appreciated her practical approach to the situation and doing a bit of role play at the same time “You could say it like this when you are having the conversation with your child” was helpful real-world application for me. The balance between theory and practical application was nice.
At the end there was a great recap of what we had talked about and I walked away with some very tangible things that I can put into practice. Finally, she reminded me to not forget all the wonderful aspects my child brings to the table, which of course I knew, but it’s great to keep that balance. Sam is a great collaborator and experienced educator who has a lot to offer!
Had All You Can Bear? (See What I Did There?)
Are you ready for practical, implementable tools to help you immediately shift your parent-child connection for the better and help identify and meet your child’s needs?
Book a free discovery call today to learn more about my individual or group coaching programs. During our call, you’ll tell me about your child, your parent-child interactions, and your hopes for change and growth. And I’ll tell you about the coaching process, answer your questions, and you’ll be able to decide if parent coaching is right for you.
A Professional Transition That Has Me Feeling Like a Teen
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