How to Address Conflicts with Teens: Repairing Relationship Ruptures

The other night my husband and I were reminiscing about our college days, which is when we met.  (That I was just a few months older than my youngest is now when I met the guy I’d eventually marry is a tad mind-blowing to me.  I mean–I felt so much OLDER than my daughter feels to me now. You can relate, right?)

Anyway–my husband turned to me and said, “We’ve known each other for almost 31 years. Can you believe that?” (We met when we were college freshmen. You do the math.)

If he was hoping for a sentimental response from me, he was sorely disappointed. Instead, the part of my brain known for generating absurd and random thoughts took the stage, and she replied, “Of those 31 years, how many of them do you think we’ve spent mad at each other?”

He didn’t miss a beat–I love this about him. “Do we count hours spent sleeping when we went to bed pissed off?”, he asked.

“Yes,” I answered.  

Short silence from husband while he calculated. 

Then, his response: “One-point-two.”

That’s it.  His estimation was that of the nearly 31 years we’ve been in each other’s lives, we’ve spent nearly 15 months in some state of disapproval, disappointment, anger, hurt, annoyance, or disconnection because of something the other did or didn’t do.  

That seemed about right to me, too.  And of course, I got a kick out of his willingness to provide a concrete answer to my absurd question. 

In any long-term relationship, there is bound to be conflict sometimes.

In any long-term relationship, even one in which the participants really, really like each other, there are bound to be bumps in the road.  This is true in marriages–and in every other type of relationship, too.

We’re all only human, after all. 

Sometimes we do insensitive things. We lose our cool too easily.  We let little things build up. We fail to communicate what we really want.  We hold others to unreasonable expectations.  We all mess up sometimes.  

And when these things take place, they stand to cause a rupture in our important relationships.  

What matters, then, is how the ruptures get repaired.

Raising teens means navigating conflict

When it comes to raising teens, families can count on the occasional relationship rupture.  Teens’ job in this stage of life is to figure out who they are, and this process usually entails distinguishing themselves from their families of origin.  With this distinction can come arguments, which aren’t always a bad thing.  (Show me a teen who has never had any sort of conflict with their parents, and I’ll show you a kid who is either afraid of their parents’ reactions or who won’t be ready to launch when the time comes.  Both are sub-ideal.) 

When you get into it with your teens, are you intentional about making repairs after the fact–or do you let your ego, your nerves, or your schedule prevent you from saying your sorry when it’s warranted?  

Model conflict resolution for your teens by making repairs after a relationship rupture

The way you model conflict resolution at home is what your teens will take into their own significant relationships down the road.  So make sure you’re creating space to revisit an issue when tempers have cooled down, taking time to really listen to your kids, and offering genuine apologies when they are warranted.  

Kids don’t need perfect parents who never make mistakes.  They need authentic parents who show up real, use their authority in a diplomatic way, and own their mistakes when they happen. 

If you’re looking for support on how to strike this fine (and sometimes difficult) balance with your teen, let’s talk.  Raising teens is such important work, but it’s not always intuitive.