How to Connect with Your Teen: The ‘Join Before You Shift’ Parenting Strategy

I’d like to introduce a key parenting strategy to connect with your teen. I teach this to all of my coaching clients: “Join before you shift.”

When it comes to raising teens, so many of our conversations are what I call “change conversations.” These are the moments when we’re asking our teens to make a shift—whether it’s something small like

“stop scrolling your phone and get ready for school”

or something more significant, like

“take the college search process more seriously.”

Here’s the thing: when we ask for change, it’s common for teens to resist—especially when they don’t feel understood by us. And really, it’s not just teens; it’s human nature. People are a lot less likely to change when they feel forced or dragged into it.

But, if we take a moment to show our teens that we see the situation from their point of view, we open the door for a connection. And when teens feel like their parents get them—when they feel understood—they’re much more likely to be open to considering the change.

What does “joining” your teen look like?

It’s simple: empathy first, request second. Before you ask for a shift in their behavior, connect with them in a way that shows you understand where they’re coming from. For example:

Instead of saying, “Put down your phone and get ready for school,” you could try, “I know you’d rather be watching Instagram reels right now, but the bus is coming in 30 minutes. It’s time to get going.”

Or, with something bigger like the college application process, instead of demanding they get more serious about it, you could say, “Applying to college is daunting. There are so many steps, so many options, and it feels like every decision matters. I’m sure you feel overwhelmed sometimes. Can we talk about how to help you move forward with all of these demands?”

When we take a moment to “join” our teens by acknowledging their feelings or perspective, we build connection. And that connection keeps the conversation grounded in safety and curiosity, instead of defensiveness.

So the next time you need to ask for a change, remember: join first, then shift.

It’s a small tweak that can make a big difference in reducing resistance and creating smoother interactions.

If you’re interested in learning more tools like this one to strengthen your connection with your teen, I’d love to chat! You can book a free discovery call or schedule a one-hour coaching session with me to get practical tools you can start using right away.

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Let’s keep things smooth sailing in your household!