When your child tells you something important about who they are, there’s a good chance they’ve been thinking about it much longer than you have.
That’s especially true when a child comes out as gay, transgender, nonbinary, questioning, or any other LGBTQ+ identity. Your child may have spent months or even years thinking, wondering, worrying, researching, and trying to understand themselves. Then they finally tell you, and suddenly you’re expected to catch up in a single conversation.
You probably won’t. And that’s okay.
On this week’s episode of Parenting Shrink Wrapped, Melissa and I talked with Heather Hester, author of Parenting with Pride and host of the More Human, More Kind podcast, about how parents can support LGBTQ+ kids even when parents are still working through their own questions, fears, beliefs, and biases.
Heather’s journey began when her oldest son came out as gay at almost 17. Heather and her husband were away for the weekend when they learned he had disappeared from home in the middle of a freezing Chicago night.
After hours of searching and calling friends, Heather finally left him a message telling him she was going to have to call the police. A few minutes later, he called her back. He was crying and told her he needed to tell her something.
“I’m gay.”
Heather’s immediate response was, “Thank God. I thought you were dead.”
In that moment, everything became crystal clear. Whatever conversations might come later, Heather’s immediate priority was making sure her child knew he was loved and getting him home safely.
That experience eventually led Heather into the work she does today helping other parents navigate their own fears and uncertainty when a child comes out.
Your Child May Be Further Along Than You Are
One of the things parents sometimes don’t recognize is how much courage it may have taken for their child to tell them.
Even children growing up in loving and affirming homes receive messages from the culture around them. Kids absorb assumptions about who they’re “supposed” to be from family, friends, school, religion, media, social media, and society in general.
By the time your child says, “I’m gay,” “I think I’m bisexual,” “I’m transgender,” or even, “I’m not sure, but maybe I’m…” they may have spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about it.
You haven’t.
As I said during our conversation, our kids are often several steps ahead of us. They’ve been chewing on who they are and what it means long before they invite us into that internal conversation.
That’s why your first reaction matters.
Believe Who Your Child Tells You They Are
Heather gave one beautifully simple piece of advice: Believe who your child tells you they are.
Parents sometimes struggle with this, especially when a middle schooler or young teenager begins questioning their identity. They wonder whether it’s a phase, curiosity, peer influence, or simply part of the enormous identity exploration that happens during adolescence.
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to know exactly where your child’s identity will land five or ten years from now to take seriously what they’re telling you today.
If your child says, “I think I might be…” the most important part of that sentence may not even be the label.
The important part may be that your child trusted you enough to tell you what’s happening inside of them.
You can say, “Thank you for telling me.”
You can say, “Tell me more.”
You can say, “I’m glad you felt like you could share this with me.”
You don’t have to predict the future. You just need to stay connected in the present.
Sit With Them in the Uncertainty
During our conversation, I used an analogy I often use with parents. Sometimes our kids are sitting in what feels like a mud puddle of confusion or distress, and our instinct is to stand on the edge and pull them out as quickly as possible.
But sometimes what they really need is for us to climb in beside them for a little while.
To be very clear, the mud puddle isn’t LGBTQ+ identity. It’s the uncertainty, fear, confusion, or discomfort that can surround any difficult experience our kids bring to us.
Instead of immediately trying to fix it, challenge it, explain it away, or tell them what they should think, sit beside them and get curious.
“Tell me what this has been like for you.”
“How long have you been thinking about this?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
When we refuse to enter the uncomfortable space with our kids, they may simply find someone else who will. And for middle schoolers and teenagers, that “someone else” may be another 13-year-old who doesn’t have any more life experience than they do.
We want our kids to keep bringing the hard stuff to us.
Your Child Isn’t Responsible for Educating You
When a child comes out, parents may suddenly have a thousand questions. That’s understandable.
But Heather reminded us that your child shouldn’t have to become your LGBTQ+ educator while they’re navigating their own identity.
Your work belongs to you.
Maybe you need to examine beliefs from your religious background. Maybe there are cultural messages you’ve carried for years without questioning them. Maybe there’s something someone said when you were ten years old that quietly became “truth” in your mind.
Get curious about your own reactions.
Where is this fear coming from? What do I actually believe? What am I struggling with? What do I need to learn or unlearn?
That work might involve reading, journaling, therapy, coaching, talking with other parents, or simply giving yourself time to sit with discomfort.
You can have questions.
Just be thoughtful about where you take them.
Know When Fear Is Parenting for You
This part of Heather’s advice applies far beyond LGBTQ+ parenting.
Pay attention to fear.
Fear often disguises itself as protection. We tell ourselves we’re just trying to keep our child safe when fear may actually be pushing us toward control, shutting down conversation, or holding onto something very tightly.
Ask yourself, Is this decision coming from thoughtful parenting, or is fear driving the bus right now?
That kind of self-awareness is useful whether your child is coming out, dating, driving, choosing a college, struggling academically, or doing any of the thousand other things teenagers do that make us want to wrap them in bubble wrap until they’re 32.
You Don’t Have to Get It Right the First Time
This might be my favorite takeaway from the entire conversation.
Parents don’t have to have everything figured out. And you might mess up from time to time.
In fact, one of the most powerful things you can do for your relationship with your teenager is acknowledge when you’ve gotten something wrong.
You can go back and say, “I totally screwed that up. I’m sorry. I’m working on my own stuff, and I want to handle this better. Can we try that conversation again?”
I can’t tell you how many teenagers I’ve worked with who are absolutely delighted when their parents do this.
Why?
Because it’s authentic.
And it gives our kids permission to screw up too.
We’re showing them that healthy relationships aren’t built by never making mistakes. They’re built by recognizing mistakes, repairing them, and trying again.
Stay Present, Stay Curious, Stay Connected
Heather gave us several ingredients for navigating these conversations well: stay present, show your child you’re willing to learn, recognize your own fear, examine your biases, and don’t expect yourself to have everything figured out immediately.
Really, those aren’t just strategies for parenting an LGBTQ+ child.
They’re strategies for parenting teenagers.
Our kids are becoming their own people. Sometimes who they become will look exactly like what we imagined when they were little.
Sometimes it won’t.
Our job isn’t to write their identity for them.
Our job is to keep building the kind of relationship where they trust us enough to let us know who they’re becoming.
Stay present. Stay curious. Keep learning. And when you screw it up, go back and try again.
Your teenager doesn’t need a perfect parent.
They need you.