Most of us don’t walk into parenthood with a leadership plan.
We may spend years learning how to lead at work. We attend trainings, receive feedback, set goals, identify our values, and learn how to communicate with the people around us.
Then we become parents and somehow we’re supposed to know what we’re doing.
In this week’s episode of Parenting Shrink Wrapped, Melissa and I talked with Jeff Hittner, an executive coach, leadership expert, and founder of Ambitious Dads. Jeff has interviewed more than 200 fathers about modern fatherhood, and one of the ideas at the center of his work is something I also believe wholeheartedly: fatherhood is the ultimate leadership lab.
I’d take it one step further. Parenthood is the ultimate leadership lab.
Because the person you become when you’re tired, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or worried about your child tells you quite a bit about the way you lead.
Meet Your “Default Parent”
Jeff talks about the patterns dads fall back on when they’re depleted or reacting instead of responding intentionally. Moms have them too–I know I do.
Maybe your child has procrastinated on filling out that job application, despite the fact that you’ve reminded them 14 times to do it. Maybe they’re losing over an outfit that just doesn’t look how they want it to. Maybe they’re making a decision that seems so obviously wrong to you that you can’t understand why they don’t see what you see.
And out comes your default. You lecture. You fix. You tell. You repeat yourself. You get louder. You shut down. You jump in and take over.
Those moments can give you useful information about what happens inside of you when you’re stressed. And that’s where the opportunity is.
Stop Fixing Before You Connect
A key reminder from this conversation was that parents often try to fix the problem before creating connection.
I’ve seen this countless times in my work with families. A parent sees exactly what their child needs to do. In fact, the parent may be completely right.
The problem isn’t necessarily the advice. The problem is that the child isn’t in a place where they can hear it.
Connection has to come before correction.
When your child is angry, overwhelmed, embarrassed, hurt, or otherwise dysregulated, a lecture usually isn’t going to land. Neither telling them to just “buck up.”
That doesn’t mean you don’t address the behavior. It means you pay attention to when and how you address it.
The Six Gaps Facing Modern Dads
After talking with more than 200 fathers, Jeff identified six recurring challenges he sees in modern fatherhood: time, brotherhood, confidence, role models, co-parenting, and legacy.
One particularly interesting piece is the brotherhood gap.
Dads may spend plenty of time with other dads, but those conversations don’t necessarily become vulnerable conversations about fatherhood.
They may talk about sports, work, money, or what’s happening in their lives without ever saying, “I’m really struggling with my kid right now, and I don’t know what to do.”
Good Parents Are Present. Great Parents Are Intentional.
Jeff makes an important distinction between presence and intentionality.
Being present matters enormously.
But intentional parenting asks us to go one step further and consider: Who do I want to be as a parent? What values do I want my children to learn from me? How do I want our family to operate? What does success actually mean in our family?
We can’t possibly prepare ourselves for every situation our kids are going to encounter. But values can become our North Star.
If I know what I’m anchored in, I don’t need a perfectly scripted response for every situation. I have a direction.
Emotional Regulation Isn’t Just for Kids
We spend a lot of time talking about helping children regulate their emotions. Parents need those skills too.
Jeff talks about emotional regulation as an important part of healthier fatherhood and leadership. He also emphasizes the importance of deeper conversations, support groups, and emotional vulnerability for men.
We don’t need to teach our children that certain emotions are good and others are bad. Emotions give us information. What matters is what we do with that information.
That’s true when you’re six. It’s true when you’re sixteen. And it’s still true when you’re forty-six.
Your Parenting Is Leadership
Parenting gives us an extraordinary opportunity to practice the skills we hope our kids eventually develop themselves: listening, repairing after mistakes, managing emotions, being vulnerable, communicating clearly, accepting feedback, and leading according to our values.
By being mindful of these behaviors, you can become a more intentional parent.
And the next time your default parent shows up, instead of immediately beating yourself up, get curious.
What is this moment trying to teach you?
Because sometimes our messiest parenting moments are also our best leadership lessons.