Co-parenting can require compromise even when two parents generally respect one another.
When the relationship is contentious, however, almost every interaction can become part of a larger power struggle.
A late pickup is no longer just a late pickup.
A missing sweatshirt is no longer just a missing sweatshirt.
A disagreement about bedtime, homework, food, or screen time can quickly become evidence in an ongoing case each parent is building against the other.
Meanwhile, the child is standing in the middle of it all.
In this episode of Parenting Shrink Wrapped, we talk with Amy Armstrong, a co-parent coach, mediator, parent coordinator, and conflict resolution expert. Amy works with families experiencing intense co-parenting conflict, including custody disputes, communication breakdowns, substance use concerns, domestic abuse, and situations in which a child is resisting contact with a parent.
Her message is both honest and hopeful:
You may not be able to change your co-parent, but you can reclaim your own influence.
When the Conflict Becomes Its Own Entity
High-conflict co-parenting can consume an enormous amount of emotional energy.
Parents may spend hours drafting the perfect email, documenting small incidents, preparing arguments, contacting professionals, or trying to convince the other parent to change.
The conflict begins to take on a life of its own.
This can become especially complicated when therapists, psychiatrists, teachers, coaches, attorneys, or extended family members are pulled into the dispute.
Instead of focusing on the child’s actual needs, everyone begins reacting to the conflict between the adults.
Parents caught in this cycle are not necessarily uncaring or uninvolved. In many cases, they are deeply invested in their children and genuinely believe they are advocating for them.
But when fear, anger, hurt, or distrust drives the interaction, that advocacy can turn into another battle the child has to witness or absorb.
Be Pro-Me, Not Anti-You
One of Amy’s most useful strategies is to become pro-me rather than anti-you.
That does not mean ignoring harmful behavior or pretending everything is fine.
It means shifting your attention away from constantly analyzing the other parent and bringing it back to the person you want to be.
Ask yourself:
- How do I want to respond?
- What kind of parent do I want my child to experience?
- What action would allow me to feel calm, confident, and in control of myself?
- What can I influence in this moment?
This shift matters because trying to force change in another person often reduces your influence rather than increasing it.
Correcting, criticizing, or offering unwanted feedback can make a defensive co-parent even less receptive.
Sometimes the most influential thing you can do is refrain from responding to a negative comment, acknowledge something that is working, or allow an appropriate professional to deliver feedback that the other parent cannot hear from you.
When Your Child Does Not Want to Go
One especially painful co-parenting situation occurs when a child says they do not want to spend time with the other parent.
When there is a legitimate safety concern, safety must be taken seriously and appropriate professional or legal guidance may be necessary.
But sometimes a child’s resistance is not about immediate danger.
A teenager may be frustrated with a parent. They may dislike the rules at the other house. They may prefer their bedroom, friends, routines, or belongings at one home. They may feel bored, uncomfortable, or disconnected.
In those situations, Amy recommends combining three parenting tools:
1. Challenge
Parents can calmly reinforce the expectation.
For example:
“You are going to your dad’s house today. That is the agreement, and he will be picking you up soon.”
The goal is not to dismiss the child’s feelings. It is to communicate that discomfort does not automatically remove the expectation.
2. Empathy
Parents can acknowledge the child’s experience without joining them in criticizing the other parent.
You might say:
“It sounds really discouraging to leave when you would rather stay here.”
Empathy communicates, “I understand that this is hard,” without communicating, “You should not have to do it.”
3. Choices
Help the child identify areas where they still have some control.
Could they bring a favorite activity?
Invite a friend?
Ask the other parent to do something together?
Plan how they will spend their free time?
Speak up respectfully about something they need?
The child may not control whether the visit occurs, but they can still make choices about how they move through it.
Children Need to Know They Can Handle Hard Things
One of the most important ideas from this conversation extends far beyond divorce or co-parenting.
Children need to hear that we believe they can handle difficult situations.
They need that message when they are struggling with homework, friendship problems, disappointment, anxiety, an uncomfortable conversation, or time in a household they would not have chosen.
This does not mean throwing them into overwhelming situations and expecting them to manage alone.
It means helping them take the right-sized next step.
Amy describes these steps as experiments. And they don’t always end with a neat bow on them. The goal is to try something, gather information, and learn what helped.
Instead of immediately fixing the situation, we can say:
“I believe you can handle this, and I cannot wait to hear what you come up with.”
That message helps children build confidence in their own ability to problem-solve.
Work With the Reality You Have
Courts, attorneys, therapists, and other professionals can serve important roles, especially when legal or safety concerns are involved.
But an outside authority cannot create a healthy relationship for you.
It cannot force another person to communicate respectfully, make the same parenting choices, or become the co-parent you wish they would be.
At some point, parents have to work with the reality they have.
That may include setting clearer boundaries, changing how they communicate, seeking help from a neutral professional, managing their own nervous system, and focusing on the relationship they can build with their child.
You cannot control every experience your child will have.
You cannot remove every point of discomfort.
And you cannot make another adult behave exactly as you would like.
But you can become more intentional about the energy, values, and sense of security you bring into your own home.
You may have more power there than you think.
⚠️Are you in constant conflict with your teenager? Does everything turn into an argument? You are not alone! Join Sam and other parents going through the same thing in a free masterclass. Sam will show you how to stop reacting from frustration and start responding in ways that actually work for teens without lowering your expectations. Don't miss this free class on Friday, August 21 at 12 pm EST. If you can't make it live, sign up anyway, you will receive a replay.